tell me how i am supposed to feel

I am on my 10th year in Manila and the main reason I came back was because of my husband Patrick. He was meant to take up studies in 1996 in oz but because of promotions lined up in his job in Manila, he changed his mind (it was after all a great decision because he had 2 promotions lined up). Of course we were so in love and we couldnt bear to be so far away from each other. We had to make a decision so I was the one that had to pack and leave. On my part it was great learning experience because I grew more independently and realised I can live without the comforts of home. I finished my teaching degree and I learned the real value of living being back in Manila.

Now we are facing my most fervent wish to go back in to OZ to live and yet why do I feel unexcited (if that is the right word for it, if a word does exist),.. Maybe because I was starting to regain my independence, realised my worth as a woman and mother and now I have to go back to Sydney to singlehandedly care for my kids, set up home somewhere near mom and start over.... WE are leaving Manila by Sept with our clothes, household items and no debts to our name.... its like starting over.. Buying a house (and hopefully doing this with no mortgage pls) and getting our van for the boys, buying car seats, setting up schools for them to go to.. I know I will pull my hair out for the first 6 months but I guess its ok -- I will endure the sleepless nights, the days when I will disappear into my family because of all the things I need to do for them...

I am just whinging, I should count myself lucky to have great parents, inlaws and no debts -- great friends who have been with me forever..... pardon me if I am venting this out right now, I just need to let it all out...

now the quest begins to ship by air or by sea, whats better, whats more affordable, what could let me ship my familys things and my scrap stuff in the most cheapest way.. so god help me I need to catalog and list all the stuff in my house and the boxes in my house,... can I do this? I guess I can..

oh well,.. good luck to you jo!